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Witty Facebook status

Everyone is entitled to be stupid; but some abuse the privilege.

 

I always feel like I just passed my

 

I bet my fish rolls his eyes when I tell people on the phone how busy I am.

 

Blame someone else and get on with your life.

 

My FB account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

 

I just hit my snooze button so much it is probably pregnant.

 

I have trouble even monotasking.

 

Never take a boat ride in shark-infested waters with a stranger who calls you Chum.

 

Screw you recommended serving size. You dont know me.

 

Dieters live life in the fasting lane.

 

Silence is having nothing to say and saying it.

 

4 out of 5 dentists agree: Dentist #5 is a real jerk.

 

I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness; but no one else turned up.

 

I shaved my commute time in half by changing my cars horn to sound like gunfire.

 

I am stuck to the couch. I think I am half man half sofa now. Just call me a mofa.

 

My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?

 

If pro is opposite of con; then what is the opposite of progress?

 

I once prayed to god for a bike; but quickly found out he didnt work that way…so I stole a bike and for his forgiveness.

 

House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.

 

The real trouble with reality is that there is no background music.

 

War does not determine who is right. War determines who is left.

 

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