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Witty Facebook status

I always feel like I just passed my

I bet my fish rolls his eyes when I tell people on the phone how busy I am.

Blame someone else and get on with your life.

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I just hit my snooze button so much it is probably pregnant.

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I have trouble even monotasking.

Never take a boat ride in shark-infested waters with a stranger who calls you Chum.

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Screw you recommended serving size. You dont know me.

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Dieters live life in the fasting lane.

Silence is having nothing to say and saying it.

I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness; but no one else turned up.

I shaved my commute time in half by changing my cars horn to sound like gunfire.

I am stuck to the couch. I think I am half man half sofa now. Just call me a mofa.

My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?

If pro is opposite of con; then what is the opposite of progress?

I once prayed to god for a bike; but quickly found out he didnt work that way…so I stole a bike and for his forgiveness.

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