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Naughty Facebook Status

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog, ( I really mean it) :D

 

My mate just said, "If you were going to finger Susan Boyle, which one would you use?" I said, "Yours."

 

Never assume anything but the position.

 

After landing myself in jail I spent the next hour getting relentlessly bummed.Sometimes I think my uncle takes monopoly far to seriously.

 

My penis is so polite, it stands up so girls have a place to sit down.

 

I like my women like I like my toaster…two warm holes and never leaves the kitchen.

 

What do you get if you cross an Ostrich with a Dormouse? Gail Platt.

 

I have an on and off relationship with clothes.

 

Liking your own status is like giving yourself a highfive in public….ok now where do i press to like that

 

Paul Daniels is to air the new series of CITV’s favorite craft show next week. He can’t wait to get Fingertips back.

 

Paul Daniels, if you’re such a f*cking ace magician, why did you need a surgeon to sew your f*cking fingers back on?

 

I guess Heidi Klum failed to seal the deal. #pow

 

Yawning is the body’s way of saying ’10% Battery Remaining’.

 

Just been to the local jumble sale. Or “Primark” as the wife likes to call it.

 

Silly Americans, the internet doesn’t have oil!

 

I started an Alcohol Free Diet today. So if its Free, I drink it.

 

Paul Daniel’s fingers. Now you see them, now you don’t.

 

10cc. Great band, but a crap motorbike.

 

Abortion clinics are now allowed to advertise on TV. I cant wait for this one: “You do the scrape and vac and get your whole life back..”

 

Justin Biebers face is a lot like the jackpot on a fruit machine, You’d never get sick of hitting it.

 

Who the hell is feat and why is he collaborating with so many artists?

 

I felt sorry for the hypnotist i saw last night…He hypnotised 7 blokes then tripped over the microphone lead and yelled “f*ck me”

 

Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it.

 

What do we want? A cure for tourettes! When do we want it? C*NT!

 

I like my boats like i like my whiskey…on the rocks.

 

A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.

 

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