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Hilarious Facebook Status

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life… if I die next Tuesday.

 

sometimes I wish I was a bird so I could crap on the people I don’t like.. Bahahaha :D

 

You don’t have to like me, I’m not a facebook status!

 

When a women says: GO AHEAD This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it.

 

Roses are red, violets are blue, friend requests are exciting.. but who the hell are you?!

 

A penis has a sad life his hair is a mess his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his bestfriend is a pussy & his owner beats him!

 

Money – not evil, evil does not end so quickly

 

I`m proud of my heart. It`s been played, stabbed, cheated, burned and broken, but somehow still works.

 

I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This

 

I will never go bungee jumping. A rubber breaking was the reason I was born, it sure as hell isn?t going to be the reason that I die.

 

If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.

 

I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying You’re next. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, You’re next.

 

All girls are like domain names?? The ones I like are already taken.

 

One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.

 

Put a condom on your heart, so if somebody fucks it up. you are protected

 

When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it

 

Smiling does make it a little bit better.

 

When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it

 

Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?

 

If you see a guy opening a car door for a girl, it

 

You`ve got two choices; you can either sit and cry, or spread your wings and fly.

 

The best thing about being me, I

 

slept like a baby last night

 

everyone calls you by your name, but only one person can make it sound special.

 

Every rule has an exception, especially this one.

 

In 2013 I’m going to sit back, watch the movie 2012 and laugh..

 

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