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I think Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers. So we could identify their corporate sponsors.
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I don’t know what happened to my baby, but my pet dingo did shit out a bunch of bones.
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Every time I go to Walmart, I feel like I’m entering a Redneck Death Star.
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Ethical question: If you find a wallet with a $100 and a business card with an address in it, do you recycle the card or throw it away?
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Whenever someone says “my pleasure” and doesn’t start rubbing their genitals, I know they’re not an honest person and I hate them.
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There’s no straight way to wash a carrot.
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And here’s my favorite: Love means never having to say wrong hole 
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If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine’s Day I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl’s drink.
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Cop at the door just said “Sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.” I said “I know but she’s good with the kids.
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Judging by weight, nobody runs on Dunkin.
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Raise your right hand if you were home schooled. No, your other right hand.
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Women have stalkers because men want to sleep with them. Men have stalkers because we already slept with them.
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If the death penalty has taught us anything today, it’s that Casey Anthony should’ve been black.
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Since October is Domestic Abuse Month, I’m going to slap my housekeeper.
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If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys, I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.
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That’s so cute that you guys share a Facebook page as a couple. So… which one of you cheated?
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”Santa comes tonight! I can’t wait!” Inner voice: Just like my job- I do ALL the work and the fat guy in the suit gets ALL the credit.
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Never thought i could be hypnotized till i saw a turd hanging on a hair from my favourite cat’s stinkhole and a week went by.
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