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Creative Facebook Status

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers. So we could identify their corporate sponsors.

 

I don’t know what happened to my baby, but my pet dingo did shit out a bunch of bones.

 

Every time I go to Walmart, I feel like I’m entering a Redneck Death Star.

 

Ethical question: If you find a wallet with a $100 and a business card with an address in it, do you recycle the card or throw it away?

 

Whenever someone says “my pleasure” and doesn’t start rubbing their genitals, I know they’re not an honest person and I hate them.

 

There’s no straight way to wash a carrot.

 

And here’s my favorite: Love means never having to say wrong hole :)

 

If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine’s Day I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl’s drink.

 

Cop at the door just said “Sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.” I said “I know but she’s good with the kids.

 

Judging by weight, nobody runs on Dunkin.

 

Raise your right hand if you were home schooled. No, your other right hand.

 

Women have stalkers because men want to sleep with them. Men have stalkers because we already slept with them.

 

If the death penalty has taught us anything today, it’s that Casey Anthony should’ve been black.

 

Since October is Domestic Abuse Month, I’m going to slap my housekeeper.

 

If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys, I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.

 

That’s so cute that you guys share a Facebook page as a couple. So… which one of you cheated?

 

‎”Santa comes tonight! I can’t wait!” Inner voice: Just like my job- I do ALL the work and the fat guy in the suit gets ALL the credit.

 

Never thought i could be hypnotized till i saw a turd hanging on a hair from my favourite cat’s stinkhole and a week went by.

 

Warning: I WILL purposely shit my pants so I can leave your baby shower early.

 

‎”I have a dream within a dream within a dream.” -Martin Luther Kingception

 

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

 

Working for the weekend, like everybody…

 

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped..

 

I am on the “Starts tomorrow” diet.

 

Thinks it was something he ate.

 

Put the bom in the bom sha-bom bom, but lays no claim to the ram in the ramalama ding dong.

 

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